i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
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