Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
