Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
