my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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