I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
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i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize