right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
We had sex on a dog bed..
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I just forgot I was standing up.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
