I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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