Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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