a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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