Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
