dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
