i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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