What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
