John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
