I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
