she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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