You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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