literally had 100 drinks last night.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
