apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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