the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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