He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
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