I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Randomize
