Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
40s are totally the cure
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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