I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
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Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
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I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
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