a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
i've created a new STD.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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