I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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