I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
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just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
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Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..