Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
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Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
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OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went