By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.