What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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