I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
