The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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