Your face is a jimmy john
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
