Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
