I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
