My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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