She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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