just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
