you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
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