just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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