I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Randomize
