I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
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