i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
