if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
