life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.