Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
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Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
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Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.