just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
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So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
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oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.