have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
