Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Pooping to opera.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
