just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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