If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
