this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
