sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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