Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
