Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Randomize
