I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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