She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
We need a shit load of segways right now
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
