it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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