Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
