he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
